


Beyond Healing: Insatiable

by thegaolersdaughter



Category: The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-14 13:54:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29543376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegaolersdaughter/pseuds/thegaolersdaughter
Summary: Raj just returned from a three-month vacation right after Howard returned from the International Space Station. He could not be around the woman he loved and the man who enjoined that love. But now he is forced to confront the people he disappointed. Contains explicit language.
Relationships: Rajesh Koothrappali/Bernadette Rostenkowski, Rajesh Koothrappali/Penny
Kudos: 4





	1. Part I

Raj was sitting in the cafeteria of the university, his phone in the one hand and his fork in the other. He moved his fork around the salad, periodically nibbling on a piece of lettuce. He was not interested in eating. The truth was, Raj had not eaten properly for over five months. Since that day. The day that changed the lives of everyone involved. Howard’s and Bernadette’s wedding. Raj had never seen the two of them as happy as he saw them on their wedding day. This, however, made it all the worse for him. It is not that he did not want them to be happy. He did. Just not with each other. He wanted Howard to be with someone else, anyone else really, so Raj could be with Bernadette. That night Raj cried himself to sleep. Or at least he would have done so if it was not for Penny. Penny had been married to Zach for over two years now, but that did not mean that she wanted to break up their little affair, which had started the night they drank immense amounts of liquor. Granted it was not the most magical night, but they talked it out and one thing led to another.

Bernadette and Howard spent the first two months of their marriage separated, since Howard was called to travel to the International Space Station. Raj saw that as a sign from God. He did not intend to break ties with Bernadette and Howard but he would not know what to do or how to behave around them both together. Howard was his best friend and he loved Bernadette. The group obviously knew about his love for her thanks to Leonard. _Fucking Leonard._ What they did not know, though, is that he was still in love with her. So Raj spent almost all his spare time with Bernadette, caring for her, accompanying her to events, to dinners. He even stopped seeing Penny. Or rather, he saw her less during that time. Penny still dropped by occasionally. It all changed when Howard returned. He could not endure being around them any longer. Then there was the fact that Leonard found out about his affair with Penny and went berserk. _Fucking Leonard._

That is why Raj had to leave. He went to the president of the university, Dr. Siebert, to request a three-month vacation. Naturally, he thought that request was ludicrous and there was no way he could grant him a vacation that long. However, after a generous donation from Raj’s parents to the university, Siebert reconsidered. When he asked why Raj needed a three-month leave from work, all Raj needed to say was “Sheldon. You know how he gets”. And that was that. Rajesh spent a lot of his vacation with his family in India, travelled through Europe and even visited Australia all the way to the exotic parts of South America. He desperately needed that. Drinking cocktails every night, going out to parties, meeting people, girls, and feeling the sun on his face. A different sun than the one in Los Angeles.

During his time away, he barely talked to his friends. Howard called once to ask him why he had left so abruptly without even saying good-bye and Penny texted occasionally to ask when he was going to be back and told him that she missed him. Raj had secretly hoped that the time away would let Penny forget about Raj and focus more on her marriage, but apparently that did not work. _Whatever._ Now he was back and had to face reality. Had to face Leonard and Howard and Bernadette. He had landed at LAX five days prior and thus far the only person he had seen and spoken to was Sheldon and that only because they shared an office.

Rajesh was going through Bernadette’s twitter feed. Most of her tweets were just about food she had made or songs she liked or papers about new discoveries in microbiology and pharmaceuticals. He had missed her so much during his time away. His heart had been hurting almost constantly. The alcohol and the sex only numbed the pain for some time but they never cured it. He was about to put his phone away and return to his desk when he came across this particular tweet. The tweet that broke his heart all over again. The tweet that renewed the confirmation that he would never be with Bernadette in his life. “ _I didn’t think it was possible to be in a healthy relationship until I met this man. I wish that sort of love on everyone. Never lower your standards. I love you Howie._ ” Raj felt a renewed stab in his heart. It felt as though a thousand little people were stabbing his heart with sharp blades. _There you have it. Whatever feelings you may have or ever had for her, she doesn’t feel the same. “I love you Howie”_. Raj let the words stream through his mind after he put his phone away. It was as though he could feel all the protons and electrons racing through his brain. _What does he have that I don’t? But he’s my best friend. But he doesn’t deserve her._

“Okay, Raj.” Startled, Raj was abruptly extracted from his thoughts. He looked up, eyes wide. There she sat. Her golden hair long and curling at the ends, smelling of honey. Her beautiful eyes, blue like the ocean and bright like the sun. Her perfectly formed cheekbones. The only woman he had ever truly loved in his life. The woman who was so unreachable to him. Raj felt his heart beating faster, sweat dripping down his armpits. He wanted so badly to hold her close and feel the warmth of her body against his, feel her lips against his. Bernadette continued in her cute, little voice, “I know you’ve been avoiding me and Howard and I’m not leaving until you tell me what’s going on inside that little head of yours.”

What was he supposed to say? That he still loved her and that that was the reason for his absence? That he could not be around her and Howard anymore? That he was lost? _No._ Instead he said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I haven’t been avoiding you guys. I just got back.”

“Right. Why did you leave in the first place?”

“You know how it is with Sheldon. He gets on your nerves. But we love him obviously.” Raj hoped Bernadette would just accept that excuse and leave it at that. He was wrong.

“Is that it? You were gone for over three months because Sheldon gets on your nerves?”

“Yes.”

“You left the minute Howard returned from space. You didn’t even tell us you were leaving. No goodbyes. No messages. We haven’t heard from you in months. That’s not right.” It did not seem like Bernadette was going to let this one go. However, there was no way Raj could tell her the truth. But he had a feeling she already suspected the true purpose of his vacation.

“I don’t know what to tell you, Bernadette. I needed a vacation and took one. Don’t you ever have this urge to just leave everything behind and skip all this sentimental shit? Just leave, you know.”

Bernadette leaned back on the chair and sighed. _Finally._ “Yeah, I guess. Still. It wasn’t cool to just leave like that.”

“I know. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”

“So?”

“So what?”

“Tell me about your trip, silly. How was it? Where did you travel to? Did you miss us? Do anything interesting?”

“Oh, yeah. Well.” Rajesh spent the remainder of his lunch break telling Bernadette about his trip and all the interesting things he had seen (leaving out the part about the girls he had met), and he was allowed to forget about the tweet he had just read and the stabbing pain that came with it. 


	2. Part II

After a draining day at work, Raj was happy that he was finally home and could lay back, throw his feet up and watch TV. Well, happy was a strong word. The truth is, Rajesh had not been happy in a very long time. He was convinced that he was never going to be happy again. In fact, he did not even believe that true happiness was an actual state in which a human could find themselves. It was merely a ploy invented by cooperate America to keep the suicide rates down. _Why the hell do they care if I hang myself or not?_ However, Rajesh did believe in peace of mind and soul. So when Rajesh finally arrived home after a hard and tiring day at work, he was glad he could be at peace. At least for the weekend.

He turned the television on and switched to Netflix on which he selected one of his favorite shows, _Bojack Horseman_. There was something about the horse that spoke to Raj. More than once, Raj found himself thinking, _Damn, I feel you, man. Horse? Whatever._ He also found himself crying more than once.

_“I don’t understand how people . . . live. It’s amazing to me that people wake up every morning and say, ‘Yeah. Another day. Let’s do it.’ How do people do it? I don’t know how.”_

As he was watching his show his phone vibrated, signaling a new notification. Rajesh received text messages all the time. From his friends, family, or colleagues. The only texts he cared about, however, were from Bernadette. He always imagined her sitting on the couch, wearing sexy, voluptuous, indigo blue lingerie, thinking of Raj, making a text up in her head, her cute little voice dictating what her fingers should type. He obviously knew that was never the case. At least not the first part. The thought was nice, though. Hot. Arousing. He reached for his phone, hoping it was another text from Bernadette. It was. Raj felt his heart beating faster. He paused the show and read the text: _Welcome back, Rajesh. It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me what’s going on. (Obviously, I know something is wrong, silly.) I won’t bother you with it anymore, though. Just know that if you ever want to talk, I’ll be here for you. Anyways, Howard says ‘Hi’. And we were hoping you’ll come over for dinner sometime?_

Rajesh read the text over and over again. _I’ll always be here for you_. _I’ll always be here for you. I’ll always be here for you._ He suddenly felt really corny, holding his phone against his chest, thinking of butterflies in his stomach, not being able to stop smiling. Maybe there was such a feeling as happiness. Then he realized that Bernadette was just being nice and a good friend. She would never choose him. She loved Howard and Howard loved her. Maybe they could share her. _Like Zach and I are sharing Penny, huh?_ This elicited a little chuckle.

Rajesh was about to respond to the text message when he received a call. For a split second he hoped that the call was from Bernadette and he could hear her voice again, but upon seeing the name on the display, he made a face and exhaled in a deep sigh. He answered the phone.

“Hello?” Naturally, he knew that it was Penny calling but that was how Raj always answered the phone.

“Hey, Raj. It’s Penny.”

“What’s up?”

“Nothing much. Just wanted to call and talk to you. Why didn’t you call? When did you get back?”

“I’m sorry, I’ve been really busy. I got back about a week ago.” Actually, Rajesh had plenty of time to call Penny and tell her that he was back. He did not feel like it, though. It was not because Penny was not a great girl (besides sleeping around Zach’s back and breaking Leonard’s heart repeatedly), she actually really was. But Raj never felt the same way about her. The way he felt about Bernadette, or even the way he suspected Penny felt about him. He suddenly remembered a passage he had once read a long time ago:

_It is for this reason that most of us would rather love than be loved. Almost everyone wants to be the lover. And the curt truth is that, in a deep secret way, the state of being loved is intolerable to many. The beloved fears and hates the lover, and with the best of reasons. For the lover is forever trying to strip bare his beloved. The lover craves any possible relation with the beloved, even if this experience can cause him only pain._

_What a load of garbage,_ he thought. _Why would anyone rather love than be loved?_ He realized then that it was just as important to love somebody as it is to be loved. Whatever role one played in a relationship, lover or beloved, it was necessary that that love be reciprocated. Otherwise it would suck for all parties involved. He tried to remember where that passage was from, but after a few seconds of hard thinking, he gave up.

“Raj? Raj? Are you still there?” Penny extracted Raj from his deep thoughts. “Helloo?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m still here.”

“So? Can you answer me then? What do you say?”

“Say?”

“About me coming over tonight.”

“Tonight? I don’t know. It’s already pretty late.”

“It’s 6 o’clock. Come on I haven’t seen you in like forever. First you leave without telling anybody and then you come back without calling? Please?”

Rajesh sighed.

“Please? It’ll only be for a few hours. Who knows when I’m gonna see you again. Zach is out bowling with his friends right now. He just left but he probably won’t be back until later tonight.”

“Fine. Come over if you want.” He knew how that sounded. Reluctant. He purposefully chose that tone in the hopes of discouraging Penny from visiting. It did not work.

“Cool. See you later.” Judging from Penny’s tone, she understood the connotation. _Maybe she won’t come after all_.

Raj hung up the phone, leaned back on his couch, and rubbed his eyes with his index finger and thumb. He opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling for some time. He returned to attempting to remember where he had heard that passage. _It’s on the tip of my tongue. Why do I remember the paragraph but not where it’s from? Think. Think. Think. No. Nothing. Fuck it._ Then he remembered a song from an R&B singer who addressed exactly the conundrum in which he found himself. _The lover is sad and heartbroken because the beloved won’t love them back. And the beloved is frustrated because they hate seeing the lover suffer. The beloved doesn’t wanna hurt the lover. The Weeknd, man. Fucking genius._


	3. Part III

“Heeeyy.” Before Rajesh could react to the fact that Penny was already at his place and standing in front of him, she had already ambushed him with a big, tight hug.

“Penny?! What are you doing here?” Raj was perspicuously surprised at Penny’s being at his door. He was expecting her much later. It was only 6:30.

“Hello to you, too, dick. We agreed I was coming over, didn’t we? Look I brought pizza, asshole, which I don’t think you deserve anymore.”

“Yeah, uhh, I don’t know. I just. . . I didn’t expect you so early. You said you were coming over later tonight?” Raj beckoned Penny inside his apartment and they both sat down on his couch. Penny put the pizza on the table and opened the lid. It was a large margherita pizza with pineapples on it. Raj was one of those people that loved pineapple on pizza. However, he did not remember ever telling that to Penny.

“Yeah, I know. I’m sorry. I just wanted to spend time with you. And you’ve been gone for so long. I kinda missed you. Lol.”

“Did you just say ‘lol’?” They both let out a chuckle and Rajesh said, “Weirdo.” He got up from the couch, walked over to the fridge, opened it, removed two cans of soda from the door of the fridge and walked back to the couch. “How did you know I liked pineapple on my pizza?”

“Uhh. . . I’m pretty sure you told me. Or maybe I brought over pizza before with pineapple on it and you didn’t complain. Something like that. I don’t remember. Sooo? How was your trip?”

“It was really good. I really needed that. I first visited my fa—”

“Wait before you go on. Can you put something on on Netflix? I like having something on in the background.” Raj understood the sensibility behind that. In fact, he hated the quiet. Whenever he was reading a book or working on something for a project at work he either had the TV on or some music. Even while having a conversation, with the TV off it felt as though he was in the middle of an interrogation or a therapy session. A half smile was visible on his face.

“What do you wanna see?”

“I don’t know. Anything.”

“Umm. . . _Archer_?”

“ _Archer_?!” Penny said in a surprised tone. “Seriously?”

“Yeah. What’s wrong with _Archer_?”

“Nothing. I just didn’t think you’d be into cartoons.”

“Have you ever seen _Archer_?”

“No. It’s okay, though. We’re not gonna be watching anyways.”

“Right. Well, it’s really good. You should watch it.” Rajesh was slightly upset about Penny’s remark. Not because she did not care for the show, but Raj would be very glad to talk about it. He loved talking about things that fascinated him and _Archer_ was one of those things.

“I will. Now tell me about your trip.” Penny said, quickly dismissing the matter.

Raj made a noise of annoyance but told Penny about his trip nonetheless. “First, I had to visit my family in India, since I hadn’t seen them in ages. My sister got married last year and her husband is such a dick. . .”

When Raj finished his story, he noticed Penny’s eyes tearing up. She started crying.

“What’s wrong? Why are you crying?” Raj asked, not sure what could possibly have caused it.

“Why did you leave without saying anything?”

_Oh, that._ “I know, it was stupid of me. I’m sorry. It was really spontaneous. I made a split decision and went with it.”

“I mean. I know you’re not my boyfriend or anything, but you could’ve at least said something. I thought we were at least friends. You didn’t even tell Leonard or Howard or –“

Penny suddenly stopped talking. She opened her mouth, her eyes wide, gaping at Rajesh as though she had had some great epiphany. Raj quickly realized what Penny could be thinking. Nonetheless, he acted as though he did not.

“What?” He asked.

“It’s Bernadette, isn’t it? You left the second Howard returned.”

“What are you talking about? I told you it happened really fast. I forgot Howard was returning that exact week.”

“Come on, man. Stop lying. You’re still in love with Bernadette.” She hesitated. “I – I gotta go.”

Penny stood up from the couch very abruptly and walked passed Raj towards the front door, wiping her tears off her face. Raj followed her attempting to stop her.

“Penny, wait. It’s not that. I’m not in –” Raj reached for her arm but Penny turned around so fast, causing him to take a step back. Her face had turned red from anger.

“What is it then, huh?”, she shouted, “Why can’t we be together? Always sneaking around. I’m tired of it. I can’t do this anymore. If it’s not Bernadette then why can’t we be together?”

“I –“ Raj was lost for words. After a few seconds he said, “You know how I feel about you.”

“Yeah, I know.” Penny rolled her eyes and laughed a little at the absurdity and cliché of what Raj had just said. “I’m just a good fuck.”

“Come on, Penny. You know you’re more than that. Besides, what about Zach?”

“Man, shut the fuck up with that corny shit and these excuses. Fuck Zach. I wanna be with you but you keep pushing me away.”

Raj had nothing. The truth was, he did not know why him and Penny could not be a couple. He knew that Bernadette would never leave Howard for him. That stuff only happened in the movies. He did not love Penny but that was not the reason why they could not be together. Now _he_ had an epiphany.

“It’s Leonard.”

“What about Leonard?”

“You still love him. After all this time.”

“What are you talking about? I haven’t talked to Leonard in years. I don’t love him.”

“Yes, you do. Despite the fact that you’ve been breaking his heart over and over again for years, deep down you still love him.”

Penny did not say anything. Both just stared at each other. Raj knew he was right. He did not understand how someone could hurt another person so much while at the same time loving them, but he knew she still loved him. Even after marrying Zach, and cuckolding him with Rajesh. _Fucking Leonard._ He realized something else then, too. He was jealous of Leonard. Even though he was the one sleeping with Penny, the woman of Leonard’s dreams, he would never be loved as Leonard was at that very moment. Leonard had everything Raj wanted while not actually possessing it.

After some time of staring at one another, Penny turned around and said, “I gotta go.”

Raj should have been thankful that Penny was finally leaving and this awkward moment had found its conclusion. However, weirdly enough, he was not. Realizing the truth, knowing he was right, knowing that not even Penny loved him and would never love him, he grabbed her arm and turned her around again. Raj and Penny faced each other, staring for a few seconds and started kissing.

Raj moved Penny towards the couch and laid her down, still kissing. As his member was gaining in size, pressing against his pants, he moved his hand towards Penny’s chest and squeezed her breast. He loved her breasts. They were not extraordinarily big, but they were perfectly formed. Raj moved further down. As he was kissing Penny’s neck, he rubbed her womanhood which was just beyond her pants. He turned his attention to unbuttoning her pants when Penny suddenly stopped him and pushed him away.

“I can’t do this.” Penny said.

“What are you talking about?” Raj asked incredulously. “We’re already doing it.”

“I’m sorry. I gotta go.”

Penny stood up from the couch and walked towards the door. Raj sighed deeply and leaned back on the couch, looking up at the ceiling. It was right when Penny touched the door handle that Raj suddenly remembered something.

“ _The Ballad of the Sad Café_.” He said.

“What?” Penny looked back again. “Did you say something?”

“It’s nothing. You should go. It’s late.”


End file.
